MobileMom

Blurry Vision

I know I have astigmatism. But lately I've been having blury visions at night before I go to sleep or when I wake up. It takes me a minute till my eyes focuses back to normal. It's been happening for the past one week. It starts when I closed my eyes for few minutes and later open back my eyes. I get blurry and cloudy visions. It will take me a minute and few blinks till I get my vision goes back to normal. *sigh* Could it be an early symptoms of possible cataracts? I don't have headaches when it happened though.

Hmm, it could be due to medications? Exposure of radiation? Too much of antihistamines? Effects of chemo and radiations? *double sigh* I guess I need to get my eye sight check soon and see if I need to change my specticles presciption.

Have a good weekend all.

The Challenges in Life...

My CT scan went well Alhamdulillah. However the scan spotted 2 tiny dots of gallstones in my gallbladder. Gallstones in mid 30's? Goshhh!!... I don't even have any symptoms! What can I say? Another challenge that ALLAH has given to me. The doctor decided not to do anything to it if I don't have any symptoms.

For more information about gallstone in the gallbladder. Click here.

3rd & 4th Obstacles and My Saturday

Here's the thing about about going through cancer. You may be addicted to medications which now I have realized that I have 4th obstacle to attend to at the same time without realizing it. Thanks to my husband for pointing out about my symptoms and when I checked in the Internet, I have almost half of that "withdrawal symptoms". This is going to be the hardest obstacle for me to handle after surgery. Now I know why some smokers just can't quit smoking. The withdrawal syndrome is the toughest challenge to deal with. I can understand better now.

For example, here I am blogging at 4:30am Sydney Time. Wide awake and feeling restless. You can feel that your heart beat a little faster. You tend to feel cold and warm changes very fast. You may also sweat a bit if you are really restless. Part of anxiety attack symptoms. I have decided to control all my anxiety medication intakes. It's not going to be easy. It's tough I must admit. It's like you can become a junkie. I am not a junkie (i hope) and I am going to fight this 4th obstacle. So help me GOD insyaALLAH dengan izinNYA. Wish me luck. I'm going to beat this. I'm going to start cutting down the intake which I've start yesterday. *sigh*

Anyway on the shinning side of my Saturday outing, I had such a great time. Having my husband who's always been my strength of pillar really makes so much different yesterday. We managed to get the kids to allow us to leave the house early around 10:30am. We drove to downtown towards Hay Market UTS. We parked our car at the Parking area nearby Market City and walked to Paddy's. Yes, I walked. I took my own sweet time and pace my self. I wanted this outing to be a good outing for me. I've been so stuck in Strathfield since I arrived Sydney and did my surgery. Yesterday was my first outing after 2 months. It felt so good. It felt so refreshing and I felt I am "re-born" as what my husband put it. (Yes Nina and EM, yesterday was such a beautiful day for me hehehe).

I had planned to cover 4 places yesterday and I did it. I walked. I was in Paddy Market for about 45 minutes going around searching for souvenirs to bring back home. Soon after that my husband took the stuff back to the car so that we didn't have to drag the stuff everywhere we went. After Paddy's Market, we took the monorail to Victoria Building. Kinokuniya was our next destination. Before that we had our lunch first as hubby was hungry. I have been planning for weeks to go to Kinokuniya because I wanted to get a book for my dad. Military History of East Asia which has something to do with Malaysian/Singapore. Military man will always be a military man. They just love reading about past military history.

I just loved hanging out at Kinokuniya. Such an exciting feeling really. I have this habit where by I like to spend hours in a book store especially around stationery's area. Don't ask me why. I had this habit for a very very long time. Even my husband have given up on me. He waited at the magazine area where there are seats for them to wait or read. As for me, I was walking from one end to another at Kinokuniya. I didn't feel that tired of breathless. It was amazing. All I needed to do was to keep to my walking pace comfortable and managable. I was going nuts at the stationary area. They have such wide range of choice with their stuff compare to the K.L branch. I was enjoying every moment of it. We were there about one and half hour if I'm not mistaken. We then adjourned to Queen Elizabeth Building (QVB). We walked again. My husband was already huffing and puffing but I was steady as I used to be before I had one lung taken out. It was just amazing to see how far I went yesterday. I was proud of my achievement. Even my husband was amazed. So, he sat at one of the cafe and had his hot chocolate while I went round looking for stuff.

Oh yes babeh..I got my self another 2 bags yesterday!!. 4 down 7 to go! Well, one I got at Esprit and the other one I bought at Paddy's Market. Woohoooo...woman and handbags, it never goes wrong. The only thing I'm still waiting is my iPod Nano which I have ordered it a week ago. *sigh* If you are going to ask me what am I going to do with all those handbags? DON'T!! :P I'm adding it to my "Imelda Marcos" wannabe collections. Muahahahahahhaa...

By the time I was done, it was 5 nish, we WALKED to the monorail station at Victoria Building and adjourned to Darling Harbour. I know I promised my best friend "N" that I will take a trip to IMAX but yesterday was just too packed for us. Most of the time, I get my breather either at the cafe, restaurant or in the Monorail. It got me going and my battery juice was at its top yesterday. Alhamdulillah. I hope to have this sort of energy more. I don't know where it came from. But I just enjoyed every moment of that quality time with my hubby. It was a pay off after last 2 weeks where I only had 2 hours. :P

Darling Harbour was beautiful at night. I love walking taking fresh air around Darling Harbour and yes I WALKED again. I maintained my walking pace very well yesterday. The next trip my husband comes will be his 2 weeks trip with me to settle things before we all FINALLY get to go HOME SWEET HOME. I have roughly about 4 weeks in Sydney. My parents and I will be spending quiet Ramadhan here. Oh how I miss my siblings now. I'm going to miss the "fasting break" with my family over the weekend. All the good food and all. *sigh*

Anyway after we had dinner at Darling Harbour, we took the monorail back to Paddy's Market and walked to the car park. That was quite hard cause it was like climbing up a hill. I started feeling a bit breathless by then.

By the time we got home, as soon as we got into the apartment, my kids screams coming out from our room. They just couldn't stay away from their daddy. Yes, I was being "neglected" again. hehehe

Well, hubby is leaving for K.L tonight. (Yes I know Leen, it sound like J.B-K.L trip) That is one thing I can never re-pay my husband scarifies for me and the children. He'll reached K.L tomorrow very early in the morning and straight to work. I don't know how or where he gets the strength but his weekend visit here is just not enough for us. It's OK, I kept telling my self. In 2 weeks time, he'll be here again and it's going to be towards the end our stay in Sydney. There's just too many things that needs to be done and I can't cope alone. Having my husband around will ease up the situation and all. 2 weeks I kept telling my self. Just bear with it for now. It feels forever!! *sigh* Goshh.. I'm spoiled am I??... I mean WE (the children and I) are spoiled aren't we? heh heh heh heh heh...

As for Today, It's going to be family day for us. Involves the kids. We might take them to the park or Westfield where the kids can run and I can do more shopping!! While their gramps will spend their quiet time together to Down town too!! Muahahahha..

Then I'm going to cry again as my husband leaves for K.L. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh....I want to go home with him!!

4 weeks of radiation to go MobileMom. Hang in there!!! It's going to be a breeze through!!(comforting my self)....But I don't want to be separated from my husband anymore. I can't bear the emotional loneliness of not having my husband by my side and now that I have "withdrawal syndrome". It's tough. It's really tough emotionally, mentally and physically. It feels forever. I sometimes feel lost when my husband is not around. Not that I'm depending on him to be by my side all the time but being apart thousand of miles away is just torturing sometimes. Urghhhhhhh...2 weeks MobileMom till hubby comes back.(comforting my self again). *1,000,000 sighs*

It's 5:45am Sydney time and I still can't sleep. It's already bright outside. So I've decided to listen to my MP3's instead to counter my anxiety attack and the withdrawal syndrome. It's not going to be easy for me especially my pillar of strength is going back home today. But he will always be with me in my heart and in my mind. I'm going to miss you again hon. *sigh* I know..2 weeks. All I need is to bear that 2 weeks.

I must fight this obstacle. If other people can do this, I can too. I have to deal this before it gets worst. I must fight. I must. For my family who's counting on me right now. I've gone this far now. I can do it. *praying hard* Insya'ALLAH.

ECG Result

I had my ECG test this afternoon and the results came back normal! Yeayyy!!

Anyway, I won't be blogging much tonight because I'm on two types of drips. One is the white milky protein drip and the other is the saline drip (I think). Both are hooked on to me at the same time. I feel like a computer hooked to some USB port!! I can't move around so much because the infusion pump pole has two machine which makes it heavy for me to go to the toilet or for a walk around the room!! :P

Hmmm.....The nurse is suppose to give me my anti-nausea injection but she's not here yet. *sigh*

I'm also sleepy and tired right now. I had visitors and my kids was with me this evening. My hubby's best friends are dropping by later so I need to rest while watching CSI:LV.

Good night folks :)

That Weird Feeling...called Anxiety

Have you ever felt suddenly that your heart beats fast, lightheartedness, sometimes you feel chest pain, shaking or trembling and sometimes nausea? That's just part of the symptoms.

Well that's "Anxiety Attack". I remember having all this feeling when I did my CA125 blood test for the first time. I couldn't sleep, my mind was not at peace and I didn't have the appetite to eat. Actually there's more but I can't remember much. All I know was the anxiety of waiting for the results really hit me bad. I did the test twice and it was really hard for me.

Then the anxiety feeling never went away. The worst I had was when I was in Singapore for a PET scan. What I went through was really bad. I had anxiety attack plus claustrophobic at the same time. And now I was told that I may have to do another PET Scan after my 6th cycle of chemotherapy. Ohh dear...need more $$$$ for that one!! *sigh*

Anyway, today is another day where I suddenly felt the attack. I don't know why. I felt my spirits was at the lowest point today. Maybe I have not taken the medicine that is supposed to help with my anxiety. I didn't want to get hooked to the medication. Honestly, you can actually be addicted to it. I only take them when I need it. But I guess I may need it after all before my mind go haywire and have mixed feeling about anything, everything or what ever cross my mind. Or maybe it's that time of the month feeling when your hormones goes haywire...hmm..I really don't know. *sigh* Ggrrrr..... I need more vacation!!! :P

Then again this "stewpit" flu is also driving me up the walls. I'm taking antibiotics for it. Honestly, I usually don't take antibiotics unless I really have to. In this case I have to. *sigh*

Anxiety, anxiety please go away...

Don't make me feel this way today...

Shooooohhhh shoohhh now go away...

I'm not letting you take my fun day today!!

The Pleural Tap..

The doctors left the decision to me after she did the ultra sound.

I have decided to go ahead with the pleural tap procedure. At least I get some peace of mind knowing that the left over fluid has been taken out. I was relieved when the fluid was taken out.

Was it painful? It was bearable. The pethidine and Local Anesthetic did help to ease the pain. The procedure needs me to be awake and aware of what's going on.

But I was so tired after the procedure. I was totally zonked out. Hubby had to leave for a company dinner early but managed to get my dad to company me last night.

I almost missed "LOST" on AXN last night cause I was so zonked and sleepy. Then again I think I slept half way through "Lost" if I'm not mistaken. I can't remember that much. Next I remembered, hubby came back and my dad left.

My oncologist came in early this morning and decided that I can be discharged today. Then my lung specialist came in soon after that and said that the procedure was done successfully and there was no complication. Alhamdulillah. Hubby has gone to work and will only be free in the evening. Therefore, I should be heading home to my kids by this evening.

Meanwhile waiting for hubby and to be discharge this evening, my oncologist decided that I should be on the drips back again. Just some additional IV and protein to help me be stronger and all. Which I don't really mind. I just feel more sleepier this time around. The nausea comes and goes. I think I'm getting the anti-nausea jap soon.

The Things I Have to Deal With...

[Blink! Blink!] Yes, and I don't have any energy level bars left.*sigh* I wanted to blog about the things that I have to deal with in the hospital earlier on but I totally forgot about it. See what I mean about being forgetful and all plus I was not in my "blogging mode" today.

Rest! That's all I thought about today. Rest! Get as much rest as possible.

Maybe some of you have seen some of this pictures that I took with my camera phone. And some have not. I know I have list down all the pictures in my album only that I haven't got the time to explain it more.

Every time I leave the hospital, I'll be given all this medication to consume. The anti-nausea, the neupogen medication, steroids, anti-acid etc. etc. Once we get home, my ever reliable "personal male nurse" will take over to make sure that all my medications are organized and ready to consume the next day.

The picture beside the medication is the "L" needle close-up. That needle was connected to my chemo port for 4 days till the doctor released me yesterday. The nurse took it out. I don't feel much pain but just a little "pinch" which was totally bearable. It's not as bad as it looks really. Once you go through it few times, you tend to get used to it already. That's how I see it.

I got this in the mail today and I really want to attend this gala dinner. The last time I went to this AFS/ABM gala dinner was many many moons ago before I went to the States. I'm contemplating to go but not too sure if it's advisable cause it will be during the end of my 2nd week of quarantine after 4th chemo cycle. Hmm.. should I should not. Deadline will be 20th of April. *sigh* Oh..I can't decide!! *double sigh* There'll be a big crowd and all. Aiyaaahh... how ahh?...

I better go get my rest again. G'nite...

4th Day After 3rd Chemo Cycle...

The first nurse came in at 5:30am to give me my anti-nausea shots and the medications. Let me explain too that in between 12am to 3am, the nurse came in to change and add a new bottle of those drips. I woke up a couple of times too in between those hours because of nature's call. I can feel the tiredness/fatigue more this time around.

I get my peace of mind here in the hospital while watching the so called "OK" view ourside. My hospital bed is arranged in such away that I can see the view. I wished it was a view of something more like the "Swiss Alps". But..that's just a silly wish (lah).

I've been keeping my self occupied with blogging and fiddling with my new toy. I'm glad that Astro works in this room. The first room I was in, the astro didn't work and we had to bring our own astro card from home.*sigh*

Anyway, the doctors have not come in to see me yet. Hoping that I get to go home today. Another day here will cost us a bomb! So, I should get my rest at home.

I'm on my last drip now. (I think) Hubby has gone to work. I'm alone in my ward watching astro and blogging at the same time. This is where I get my peace of mind alone.

I'm not afraid to be alone in this ward because it's spacious and I know who comes in and out from this room unlike the other ward that I got in the first day. I don't mind being alone at times. I enjoy some peace of mind alone thinking about life. Nothing of those negative sort of thinking. I need to be strong and have the faith in what I'm going through now. I know, it's not easy for some people who goes through some kind of experience like me. I guess some people have their own ways of dealing with their "illness" and this is just my way of dealing with it.

Later...

Still In The Hospital Ward...

I finally got to change my ward room to the one that has a better view. The astro works in this ward and I got my favorite view. It's the same room that I was in 3 weeks ago during my 2nd cycle of chemo.

I completed my 3rd cycle of chemo on Tuesday and today I'm off with the drips now. Yeay! No wire's connected to my chemo port, no infusion pump pole to push around. (Which is weird cause usually I would be on my drips till last day of my stay in the hospital.) However, I may stay another night in the hospital to get enough rest before I go home. Could be tomorrow or Friday...it depends.

My tumor marker readings are still high. There's two possibilities according to the oncologist. One is that there could be another tumor but we did PET scan and it was all cleared and the tumor that I have is localized to one area. Which is at the lining of the lung on the right. Second possible reason is that my internal reaction towards the chemo treatment seems to delay the readings to drop which there are some cases like this. I hope and pray that that is what it is. A delay respond. However, according to my husband research in mesothelioma cases, they do not have a particular tumor marker readings. Usually, it depends on the CT scan. It is enough to see whether a tumor has shrunk. I'm concerned but I'm keeping my faith and be positive about the whole thing. Physically, my tolerance for this chemo treatment is positive. There is no recurrences of fluid in my pleural. Which is a very good news indeed. My breathing and my right lungs are as normal as it can get. Which is another good news. I have no difficulties of breathing. The doctors are happy with my high tolerance of this chemo treatment as the medication that they used is the no.1 now for mesothelioma cancer patients and other mesothelioma patients seems to have a good tolerance in it too. I suppose that's why it's expensive. Honest!! Mesothelioma cancer is a rare kind of cancer. In my case, it has nothing to do with asbestos, or smoking. (Cause I don't smoke neither does my husband). I just happen to get it. ALLAH is mighty great. He gave it to me for a reason and it's all a challenge. (dugaan ALLAH). I accept it and I'm not angry.

The side effects that I go through is:

• My head tend to feel heavy off and on.
• My glasses power has increased especially my astigmatism.
• I have that "chemo brain" syndrome where I tend to get forgetful easily.
• My body tends to tremble after chemo treatment due to the steroids that is given to me.
• My monthly period gone haywire which is part of the side effect. (yes now the whole world knows) But you can learn from my story.
• My body feels bloated up also due to steroids.
• Cravings for food is crazy!! I would just want to eat or munch something every now and then. (Must control that more). Some patients reacts differently and loose weight a lot.
• Funny how I put on weight during chemo while others loose weight easily.
• Your skin can get very dry so you need to moisturize your skin often.
• I do get some sort of pain off and on near my right rib cage and sometimes on the left.
• My stomach tend to get gassy or acidic off and on at times.
• I get tired easily after half a day of activity in exercise or yoga classes.
• Mood swings that has gone haywire more often.
• I get sensitive easily now days. (I should be calm and relax more often) Not good for me.

The doctor is even suggesting to add another chemo medication on me if it doesn't work and what he suggested is not a medication that I would want to use or comsume. The side effects is terrible. I could be down for months and months. And it's not for mesothelioma cases. We may do more research is this if the current medication does not work on me.

I admit that I was down yesterday. I prayed and I cried like I have never cried before. But today I woke up with a high spirit feeling that I can face this. I can do it. I can survive this with a very strong and a positive mind. I have faith. I have the courage to go on with my life even though I know I have cancer. It's OK. I know what I have to do. I believe in myself and I believe in ALLAH.

OK on a good news, my husband got his IPOD after all. I suppose when he was in LowYatt yesterday, he couldn't resist the temptation of the Ipod. He got himself a mini ipod and he has been fiddling with his new toy ever since he got it yesterday.

As for me, I have been occupied by fiddling with my new O2 XDA II mini pda phone. When I told my brother about my new toy, he laughed at me cause I end up buying a PDA phone in the end. (He has that new MPX but I'm not too keen of that phone.) But I'm still waiting for that Nokia 6680 to be release here in our country. It could be anytime soon but I'll wait till it's more stable. The thing about purchasing a new mobile phone that has just been release is that the phone is still buggy. Always wait a couple of months till they bring in the new batch. This is a tip given to me by my phone supplier.*grin* I'm living up to my nickname folks. Though some may think it's better to call me gadgetmom than mobilemom now! Hah..it's just a nickname. :P~

WARNING! Not Suitable for the weaker heart!!

OH NO!! She's back again on her crazy pictures is she ehh???

*WIDE GRIN* heh heh heh...yeah..I'm back blogging from my hospital bed!! OK.. this is a very weird case of a woman, in her 30's (who happens to have "turning 30 syndrom"), diagnosed with "pleural effusion" or also known as "mesothelioma cancer" a month ago and happily blogging away about her experience being in the hospital.

Fine, call me what ever you want!! It's really weird when I think about going back to the hospital for my "chemotheraphy" and at the same time looking forward for some peace of mind and no stress nonsense what-so-ever!! (lah). My husband thinks I'm a weird one. Cause I tend to look forward for few days stay in the hospital. DUH!!! Do I have a "sick" mind or am i just "sick!!??"

Anyway, for the next couple of days, my husband shall go back to the title of "permanent male nurse". Today, since I'm going for my 2nd "chemo" cycle, hubby has taken the whole day off to help me out in the hospital for admission and other necessary things that needs to be done. Thanks sweetie..*smuck*.

OK...I just want to warn all my readers here that the pictures taken few hours ago are quite gory and scary for some of us. Tell me who "loves" needles and all....

Why do I put up all this pictures? To me, it's a "reminder". It will remind me of all the experience, process and hardship that I had to go through in order to get well and fight my "cancer". It looks scary or gory and probably turn off some of my readers. But then again, this is the reality of MY life now. It's a "new journey of life" that I have to take and get used to. It's the challenge that ALLAH has given to me and I have accepted with an open mind and heart. Therefore, it is a "responsibility" for me to go through this with an open heart, mind and fight for my life and think about my children and my family who needs me. That's why I take my attitude seriously. I have to have the courage, the strength, the will power and most importantly is the "positive mind set". That's why I do not
want negative auras, negative encouragement, negative responds over what ever I do or say or even think. I live to survive and I will survive insya'ALLAH. I have the confidence and believe that time will heal. Even if it takes forever.

Think of those who are probably in a situation that's worst than me. I mean those unfortunate people who has cancer and that they found out at a later stage for example stage IV(4). The chances of survival are even unpredictable too. Just imagine or put our selves in their shoes. It's very important that your mind has to be stable in order to take control of your whole body. Our brains/mind control our body. When we think positive, we feel better. Trust me, I know. I've been there. I am in that situation. I'm experiencing the whole process.

However, there will be time when you feel tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of people around you giving mix aura's and all. Tired of telling your mind to be strong at all times. Then that's where you breakdown. It's OK to breakdown. Let out all the emotions that's been "a mind boggling" experience to your thoughts, your feelings, your fears. It's natural. We are human beings. We're not super human. We have feelings. But you need to fight it. Keep on fighting.

Hmm.. I can tell you that sometimes, I get really tired. When I need to be re-charged, I go out. I go out to get my peace of mind away from the stress environment. Blogging is just half of my "therapeutic" of chanelling(sp) out my thoughts, depression, stress, anger bla bla bla.... the most important thing for me is positive encouragement and environment. STRESS FREE!! (ohh how I desprately want that right now!) I need a vacation!! heh heh heh...yeah right!! I can DREAM.